Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

I really don't use this blog anymore.

My public blog has been moved to my website http://www.talulafairie.com/blog

and my mostly friends-only blog is still on Live Journal

http://talula-fairie.livejournal.com/

Susie Suh - All I Want

Too many times, I have wondered
What all trying is for
You come around, I feel so down, I'm gonna drown
Because I know that you've fallen short

But do you know, It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

And too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside
You can't provide what I need from you anyway

But do you know, It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

I am very very sad today. I just feel completely and totally leveled. Devestated. I thought I had made peace with this apartment, that this is our fate, but now...after I was sure we were moving and to just get slammed in the face like that, I feel absolutely broken. My spirit, heart, faith, and hope is broken. I'm sure it will repair itself and in time the pain will fade, but for now all I can think of is our dark filthy apartment that's so small the kids trip over their toys becuase there's no place to put them, the sticky gross carpet that never gets clean,  then I think of someone moving into the townhouse, and then of all the other families living in the other houses I'd wanted that turned us down. Let this be a lesson to you all, credit can ruin your life.

Jane has a fever and she fell asleep in my arms earlier today. I fell asleep too. As I held her and smelled her soft downy hair, I thought about how blessed I am to be her mother. Sometimes I can't believe these beautiful beings are my children. As I slept one of my friends from church brought me by some flowers and a card that said wonderful things. It was really really sweet and it helped a little. She put us on the prayer roll at the local temple. I wish I had her hopefulness and joy in everything. Right now the pain is just enveloping me like a wave, and the tears burn my eyes.

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The tax return finally came and we bought a new couch and bed for our apartment! Also a shower curtain, bath mat, and other various accessories. Our apartment is much improved. We may even be able to move to a townhouse, as someone from our church is renting their 3 bed/2 bath townhouse. Here's hoping!

The girls are doing well. Erica is almost walking!!! She's so big. I can't believe how much she's grown. It seems like time is flying by. Jane is talking more, though unfortunately, her favorite thing to say is "NO NO NO NO NO!" I confess, the toddler phase is not my favorite.

Roger had Monday off (President's Day or some such nonsense) and so we took the girls to the park.

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Look at those hooligans! Partners in crime, they are.

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Awwww!

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http://www.truefriendtest.com/friendtest/62190

I don't even recognize myself anymore. I seriously don't. I take a photo, or I look in the mirror, expecting to see one thing and I see....something else. It's surreal. I'm not used to it. I look at my pants and they look tiny to me! Seems like every time I turn around something doesn't fit. Not that I am complaining.

One of the things I'm struck by is the feeling that a part of me is missing. She's....gone. Being a little bit overweight was like, part of who I was, for years. It trips me out a little to not be that way anymore. I feel almost naked in a way.

Anyway. I'm pretty happy at this size (which, btw, is now an 8 or 10). I thought I looked fine at a 12 or 14, but I do prefer to be at a healthy BMI. Plus it's easier to find clothes that look good. One of the things that I'm proudest of is that I did this without dieting at. all. I changed the way I ate, yes, but I DID NOT GO ON A DIET. If I'm hungry, I eat, and I eat until I'm full. I think the key is to have an eating style that you feel you can keep up, forever. Otherwise, you'll just gain whatever you mange to lose right back. Also, keeping goals realistic. This is probably as thin as I could be without being on a permanent diet, which I'm not willing to do. I don't like feeling hungry, kthx.

I'm singing in the choir again. Since we're the late ward now, we get to practice in Sacrament hall, instead of someone's house which takes time to get to, ect. Much faster this way. I like choir. I'm singing soprano this time. Because, well, because I accidentally sat with the sopranos. By the time I realized what I'd done, I'd already learned the part. Whoops. I can hit all the notes, it's just a little harder. At least a few altos just joined, so it's even now? LOL.

I gave my testimony in fast and testimony meeting. I felt my heart pounding when I was thinking of the meeting, before we even left (LDS people, you all know what that means). And then Roger started bugging me to do it. What's funny is Roger has *never* gone up there save for once when he read a scripture. But he's never given his testimony. I'm curious to hear it. The whole church seemed moved by what I said and everyone was all "AMEN!" after I ended, which they don't always do, so that's good. I think I am ok at public speaking, much as it terrifies me.

Mozilla underlines misspellings. I have to spell check every other word it feels like. Why am I such an atrocious speller? Is there some trick I don't get? It annoys me. At least my grammar is alright? And I have a good vocabulary. This reminds me I have been meaning to write a freelance article and see if I can get myself published. I was thinking of doing babywearing? Or cloth? I don't know. If I really want to write I should work on my talk.

We're still looking for a house. What's new, right?

This post comes complete with photos.

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It's the final countdown.

We're broke as per usual, spending money we don't have on Christmas. I'm trying to keep in mind that Christmas is not about what gifts you can afford but the spirit of giving, goodwill to men, and the celebration of Christ's birth.

I'm trying, anyhow. When the kids aren't screaming and I can still think straight.

Here is a fandy-dandy Christmas song for you all. And I uploaded some new photos, too. I wonder if anyone even reads this blog.

*sends message out into the void*

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Sarah McLachlan

Every now and then I come accross something that reminds me there is more to life than my own small corner of the world. I have this cd, that I bought from Starbucks on a whim one day, when I was pregnant with Jane. Anyhow, for awhile Starbucks was putting out cd's that were of famous recording artists' favorite songs. The album I had was Sarah Mc Lachlan's choices. On it, there was this one song, Mustt Mustt by Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan was part of the Sufi sect of Islam (Muslim). The Sufis believe strongly in music, chant, medication and dance as part of their spirtual worship. Qawwali is the traditional music of the Sufis, and Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan was one of the most popular Qawwali singers.

The music is so involving with it's rhytmic beats and engaging sound. And, it's all about praising God. More about the album (description from Amazon.com):

"The late, great Pakistani Qawwali singer's first collaboration with producer/guitarist Michael Brook took the passionate, gymnastic tenor out of tradition and into trip-hop nation. Recorded at Peter Gabriel's expansive Real World Studios, the album combines ethnic percussion, programmed beats (some by Gabriel himself), Brook's atmospheric and infinite guitar swells, and loop-based motifs with Khan's complex, ornamented vocal delivery and devotional lyrics. On the later Night Song, Brook and Khan perfected their cross-cultural dialogue, though Mustt, with its fiery vocal runs and funky, ethereal production, has become an important touchstone in the ethno-techno movement that includes Transglobal Underground and Loop Guru."

Anyhow, I think this is a beautiful sound and album. I'm addicted.

lyrics:

Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must
Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must

Mera Vird Hai Dam Dam Ali Ali
Mera Vird Hai Dam Dam Ali Ali
Sakhi Laal Qalandar Must Must
Sakhi Laal Qalandar Must Must
Jhole Laal Qalandar Must Must
Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must

Mera Vird Hai Dam Dam Ali Ali
Mera Vird Hai Dam Dam Ali Ali
Sakhi Laal Qalandar Must Must
Sakhi Laal Qalandar Must Must
Jhole Laal Qalandar Must Must
Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must

Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must (Chorus)
Sufi Chants (Nfak)
Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must
Qawwali Vocables (Nfak)
Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must
Qawwali Vocables ...

Akhi Ja Malanga Akhi Da Malanga Akhi Ja Malanga Tu Ali Ali Ali Ali
Akhi Ja Malanga Akhi Da Malanga Akhi Ja Malanga
Akhi Ja Malanga Sajia Pe Mun Lain K
Akhi Ja Malanga Sajia Pe Mun Lain K
Aj Nai Te Kal Saray Ali Ali Kehn Gay

Must Must Must Must Dam Must Qalandar Must Must
Dum Must Qalandar Must Must, Dam Must Qalandar Must

translation:

To understand this Qawwali, you need to know a little about the History of the Sufi Saints. Jhoole Lal – A saint from Sindh who as a child was always found on a swing reciting the name of God. Shahbaaz Qalander (Red Falcon) another Sufi Fakir renowned for amazing poetry in love for God.

Mast Mast –

Dam Mast Qalander Mast Mast – Upon My breath and in my intoxication is the great Qalander.
Dam Mast Qalander Mast Mast

Mera vird hai dam dam Ali Ali – My worship and upon my breath is the name of Ali.
Saqi Laal Qalander Mast Mast – I am intoxicated with the beloved Qalander
Jhoole Laal Qalander Mast Mast – I am intoxicated with Jhoole Laal who is intoxicated with Qalander
Aakhi Ja Malanga Akhi Ja Malanga – Keep repeating his name you follower of Ali
Tu Ali Ali Ali Akhi Ja Malanga – You Ali !!! Keep saying his name.

These lyrics mirror exactly the name of the Qawwal – to be in intoxication “Mast”.

Sorry for the extra long post. Vox doesn't have a cut feature.

Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan - Dum Mustt Mustt

We're still apartment/house/whatever hunting. It's a little exausting. We went to look at a few places today, going to look at one more tomorrow, and one more on Wedsday. Here's hoping something pans out. WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE or I am going to go insane. *stab*

I'm working a ton this week (well, ok, I use that term loosely. It's really more like 25 hrs at the most, depending on how busy they are). And all I have is an Avent Isis to pump with and well, it hurts me. I am thinking right now of all the pumping I am going to have to do and honestly I have no idea how I'm going to manage it. I hope I can pump enough. One more week we can start Erica on solids, so that should help, ya? Or I could get some herbs to increase my supply....and risk clogging a duct....fjioewjfoiwjfoeiw. I never planned on being a working mother. But I guess life doesn't always turn out the way you plan, eh?

The bummer of it all is that I really don't have the availibility to get a really good job, and day care would be more than I'd make in retail managment. I should have gone to college after Roger and I got married, on his income I probably wouldn't have been denied FASFA (your parent's income counts against you until you are married or over 25 -stupid huh?). I always planned on going to beauty school, but I never had the 12k. I think it's close to 13k for the program I wanted now... Plus, I don't think I'd want a Forever Career on my feet.

My friends tell me I should be a freelance writer, the articles I wrote on clothdiapering and breastfeeding I know a lot of people on the mommy communties really liked, and I even once wrote a letter to the editor of my local paper that was published. But, who has the time? It was also suggested to me that I use my "smoky voice" to do pod casts, but besides the fact that I only vaugely know wtf a podcast is, I don't have the recording equipment to do it. If I did, I'd just record my freaking album already, yakno? Oh, the album. The album I will never record. It's been done -totally done- for the past 3 years and yet, it sits. The only people who ever offered to help me finish/recrord it had *ahem* ulterior motives. I should record it, though. I'd like to look back on my life and say that I went after my dreams.

Speaking of, I FINALLY WROTE A HAPPY SONG. The idea for this song has been swirling in my head for years, but I just never managed it. I finally just sat down and wrote the thing. I hope it's not too corny. But maybe corny is better than emo teen angst. Ha. Click the link to read the lyrics.

Into The Blue

And oh wow, has my week been busy. Busy, but fun!

Saturday I went to visit peebs1701, we had a great time. Roger took Jane to Barnes and Noble near her house, while me and Peebs (Jennifer) took our babies with us and went to a yarn store. I bought some double pointed needles, which, I've discovered, are best served for gouging out my eyeballs. They're a tool of Satan. I'm trying to make these gloves. It's not going well. On the upside, Debbie Bliss Cashmerino yarn is heaven to knit with.

Sunday I was confirmed, and I even gave my testamony in the Sacrement meeting. I am generally a good public speaker but I have to admit I stumbled a bit...I couldn't help it! Everyone was stairing so intently. I was like o.O. But I must have done a good job because several people have since told me they really enjoyed my testamony. So yay. Later that evening we had the missonaries over for dinner. I (well, ok, Roger grilled them) made Rosemary bacon pork chops, artechokes, and pasta with feta cheese + sundried tomatos. Except, my artechokes um, well, they died. It's my own fault. I was steaming them, see? And I forgot to turn the heat down (I had it on high to get the water boiling). Whoops. I'm shocked I never smelled anything burning. So, at the last second, I microwaved some broccoli. It was fine. Of course, five minutes before they were supposed to get to our house Jane dumped an entire bag of granola EVERYWHERE all over the carpet. Meep.

Monday we went to the park (pics to follow). We had a wonderful time! Jane is so giddy at the park. This morning when she woke up she went to get her shoes and was heading for the door at 8 am! After Erica wakes from her morning nap I'm going to take her down there, I think. I also have to go to the post office. I hate dragging my kids to the post office. On Monday evening we went to a church BBQ, it was really fun. I brought my mother's famous pasta salad recipe, which is still just splendid. I tried to call her to get the exact dressing recipie (I remember the ingredients but not the proportions) but she wasn't home, so I winged it. It was fine. Good to know I can still cook, since I almost never do anymore.

And, oh! I forgot to mention. I am down to a size 12! I'm smaller than I was pre-Jane (though I think my tummy is poochier still, grr). I got into some jeans I haven't worn since 2002.

Here are some photos! The first two are from last weekend.

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